FULLY LOADED CLIPS

Nuggets 112 Clippers 91

Last night, nothing went the Clippers’ way. The shooting was bad. The defense was worse. They couldn’t rebound. They couldn’t create turnovers. They couldn’t do diddly poo. But, I’m not sad. Yes, the game was terribly disappointing, but keep in mind, the Clippers just went 3-1 on a stretch that included Denver twice, the Thunder, and a trip to Utah. If you told me a week ago the Clips would come away 3-1 in that mess, I’d take it 6 days a week and twice on Sunday.

Cut to me waking up this morning only to find out: They signed Kenyon Martin! Full disclosure, I HATE Kenyon Martin. I’ve wanted to plot this guy’s death on several occasions. The mere sight of his “lips” neck tattoo makes me want to personally sterilize him, but now he’s one of my guys. He’s not a thug anymore. He’s MY thug. Many of the analysts out there are praising the Clips for making this move and providing much needed depth in the front court, but I’m not really sure how he fits in. All I know is that the Clippers just got deeper and deeper is better. He’s a 6’9 power forward that is all defense, rebounding, and thuggary. The Clippers will not officially get him for a week or so due to China’s basketball rules being slanted (see what I did there?). Hopefully, Martin will allow the Clippers more flexibility when going to a line up without Blake Griffin. Martin is not a scoring machine but next to Reggie Evans, he’s Kobe freaking Bryant. Quietly or not so quietly the Clippers are becoming the team Miami was trying to create. A group of high talent guys that actually like one another. Chauncey Billups is rumored to have personally courted Kenyon to become a Clipper. That means between Blake and DeAndre, Billups and Martin, Reggie Evans and everybody; the Clippers are becoming the superfriends. I can only look at this as a good thing. Teams that tolerate one another do NOT win championships, just ask the New York Yankees of the 2000s. Also, this move is starting to look like the beginning of a “win now” mentality in the front office. I think Neil Olshey looked at Mr. Sterling and said, “In a 66 game season, we might actually be able to steal a title.” Obviously, Kenyon Martin does not make the Clippers the rightful owners of the 2012 title, or even favorites, but the line up has become a collection of players that many people would say are championship threats if it weren’t for the Clippers’ bad karma.

I refuse to believe. I refuse to get too happy. I refuse to make predictions. But I will write one thing. I think this Kenyon move works. I think the team gels. I think the Clippers get better, tougher, perhaps slightly more technical foulie. I’m not sure they’ve got the rest of the league beat, but they certainly are scaring the shit out of them.

Kevin Love at the buzzer…

“One game at a time”

“Rome wasn’t built in a day”

“You can’t win ‘em all”

“There’s always tomorrow”

“Better luck next time”

These are all pseudo-optimistic sayings that have been told to me following crushing defeats in my sports loving career. Unfortunately I subscribe to a different doctrine, anger and pessimism. I want to see blood. I want to see guts. I want to see Bobby Knight with Satan himself as assistant coach. Game’s like this always make me want to visit my coach’s gun idea. Here’s a quick breakdown:

1. In any major professional sport the head coach will be provided a revolver with ONE bullet. 

2. The coach’s gun may be used only on the coach’s OWN players.

3. The gun does not have to be used.

4. The gun may only be used to harm, as it is a coaching tool NOT a weapon.

5. The coach may choose to use the gun on himself (This would’ve been handy in the Dunleavy years).

6. The gun cannot be used on referees or fans.

7. The gun may only be used as a teaching tool not a preventative measure like shooting Shaq so he has to be replaced to make game winning free throws.

Last night was a coach’s gun sort of game. The game seemed out of control from the opening tip with the Clippers hanging on to their lead with a bizarre mixture of 3 point accuracy and cold shooting from the t-wolves. The game was billed as a Blake vs. Love match up (because CP3 was still out and couldn’t go against Rubio), but both players were largely underwhelming throughout the game (save for the finish). Blake has seemed to have a confidence problem for the last week seeming hesitant to take the ball to the hoop and instead just settling for 19 foot jump shots (he’s made ONE that I’ve witnessed this week). Clip’s Coach VDN must have told the guys to stay in front of Rubio and collapse on Love because the much maligned Darko scored like 75 points last night and looked like the second coming of Tom Chambers on Bulls vs. Lakers for the Nintendo. 

The game truly went sour when Mo Williams was ejected for his second silly technical foul. Both techs were Mo’s fault and he has earned a possible coach’s bullet for his actions, however, when he left the game completely fell apart. All the silly mistakes, turnovers, quick shots, and stupid 3s caught up to the Clippers. With 4 minutes to go in the game, the defense completely broke down and Chauncey Billups just started firing up random contested jump shots with no rhyme nor reason. I’m sure Billups looked around at Gomes, Foye, Solomon Jones, Reggie Evans, and DJ and said looks like I’m going to have to shoot EVERY time. At this point VDN needed to either try coaching or turn the coach’s bullet on himself and allow someone else (CP3?) to figure this mess out. 

The game ended as most Clipper games of the last 30 years have…in a crushing, soul-shattering loss. Ricky Rubio, Mr. I-haven’t-made-a-shot-all-fucking-night, nailed a 3 point goal from the corner with 20 seconds to go. Naturally the Clippers went with the old fashioned, Billups takes the ball wanders over to a lackluster screen and then drives to the hoop and blows what appeared to be a very makeable shot (for high school kids). Nicely, 1.5 seconds were left on the clock. Minnesota calls time out to advance the ball. The clippers all contracted  Cerebral Palsey and the rest was history.

Good news! I have acquired press passes for Sunday’s game against the Raptor’s, so I will have a full eyewitness report from the worst seats in section 331. Stay angry Los Angeles.

All info redacted by SOPA and PIPA.

Chris Paul and Mo Williams redacted by injury.

Win redacted by Utah Jazz.