FULLY LOADED CLIPS

As any Los Angeles Clipper fan knows, the Clippers hate you. Sure, they want to win games, but you don’t get the joy of bragging to other bar patrons during a 30 point blowout. No, Clipper fans have to sweat. Clipper fans have to loathe. Clipper fans have to enduring the gut-wrenching nausea of a 4th quarter squeaker. Last night was, unfortunately, no different.

The Clippers took one step forward by beating the Grizz at Staples last night, but the game’s flow could be two steps back. The half court offense is becoming embarrassing and the mental lapses are becoming more and more frequent. After the Clips came out to a very productive and energetic first quarter, they immediately threw on the brakes and threw out their brains eliminating their hard-earned double-digit lead.  Clearly, this season is going to be a work-in-progress and one can’t be pessimistic about making the playoffs, but if this team is to make any real noise in the Western Conference, they need to get their heads right and find a real coach.

I’m not totally convinced that coach VDN is a retarded person, but his lack of adjustments and creativity is making Clipper Nation very nervous. The leadership abilities of CP3, Chauncey, and Mo Williams are assets, but without an offense beyond a high pick and roll, the playoffs are going to be short lived. The various NBA analysts around the league are criticizing the Clip’s lack of bench depth, but in reality it’s the lack of coaching creativity that’s killing them. If Blake Griffin is not on the floor, the pick and roll becomes useless and the game devolves into an isolation fest with our bevy of guards. The Clippers have great PGs (and a lot of them), but without a low post scoring option, they’ll become one dimensional and easily defended. 

Sunday begins a nasty stretch of games including Denver, OKC, and Utah. The Clips will NOT fare very well in these match ups until they get their offensive and defensive sets in order. Knowing that the Clips won’t run the table in these games is not what concerns me. I’m worried that the coaching staff won’t learn anything. The team will obviously get better as the year goes on, but so will the rest of the league. If the Clippers don’t catch up, they’ll be left behind.

There are games of what could’ve been, what should’ve been and what is. This game is what it is. The Clippers are an inexperienced team (save for Chauncey) and 4 quarters of boring (yet intense) playoff basketball is foreign to them. The Lakers were fully prepared to give the Clips their best shot. Kobe has been pissed off all week. Pau was complaining about not scoring. Mike Brown was starting to hear rumbles about his hiring being a mistake. The Lakeshow couldn’t survive a “home” loss to the Clippers on Wednesday night. All of that being said, the Lakers still got lucky. The Lakers shot the ball at a percentage in the 4th quarter that will be hard for them to repeat. Pau got hot. Kobe got real hot. Metta World Peace made his trademark “NOOOOO, YES!” 3pt shot in front of his nervous home crowd. Derek Fisher came back from the dead for 10 minutes or so. For one quarter, everything broke right for the Lakers.

Where do we go from here?

The Clippers have a very difficult February road schedule and they’re going to need to show that they can weather the storm. In truth, the Clippers are in a very good position to make the playoffs and will make many teams nervous in the process. The league seems to be evolving and from what I saw last night teams like the Lakers are getting left behind. The Lakers are tall slow and old. The Lakers’ Jimmy Buss appears to have pushed all of his chips to the middle of the table on the oft-injured Andrew Bynum. Early returns suggest that fast, skilled teams are the look of the future. Kobe can probably beat you in the 4th quarter if you let the Lakers stay too close, but over a 7 game series they won’t be able to out score you. The Mike Brown, defense first experiment will ultimately fail.

As for the Clippers, they NEED flight time. Chris Paul HAS to stay healthy for the remainder of the season. Coach VDN needs to try a little coaching so this team will appear to have an actual half court offense. Blake took a huge step forward last night abusing Pau and continuing to use his low post game to dictate to the defense. Mo Williams has been the most impressive Clipper of the last two weeks, but I’m concerned the Clippers offense is becoming a game of “who’s shooting it well, gets the ball.” Caron Butler had his turn of being the hot shooter last night, and Chauncey launches up 3 to 5 heat check 3’s per game. Chris Paul’s health will be the most important factor this season, because right now the team looks like 5 talented guys that don’t know what they’re supposed to do. Talent can only get you so far. Miami showed last year that without a true offense and a strong coach, the players can get lost in the 4th quarter. With the addition of a hall of fame caliber PG like Chris Paul, the team should eventually figure it out, but it’s gonna take time. The good news is, the Clippers will be a much better team in April then they are in January (if they can stay healthy).

So don’t kill yourself quite yet Clipper fan, but consider it if they lose to the Grizz tonight.

Live from the nose bleed section, I witnessed the dismantling of the Toronto Raptors. The game was billed as being the big return of CP3, but since he was ruled out a few minutes before tip off, it became the game before the return of CP3. This game was over shortly after morning shootaround. The Clips took their foot off the gas occasionally but never realistically let the Raptors back in the game. Toronto was short handed as well and it’s never a good thing if Barbosa and DeRozan are leading your team in scoring. Mo Williams continued his hot play and even managed to not get ejected on Sunday afternoon. My player of the game had to be DeAndre Jordan. He went for 16 and 16 on a day filled with dunks and foregone conclusions. 

The most important thing to take away from the victory was simply that, a victory. The Clippers have a huge game on wednesday “at” the Lakers. In years past, the Clips would’ve shit the bed and looked ahead on the schedule at the Lakers. Good teams need to beat the Raptors. I’m not sure how good the Clips are, but they certainly beat the Raptors. A win at the Lakers on wednesday would be huge, but each win counts the same in the standings. On sunday afternoon the Clippers proved just that, a win is a win and they won.

Kevin Love at the buzzer…

“One game at a time”

“Rome wasn’t built in a day”

“You can’t win ‘em all”

“There’s always tomorrow”

“Better luck next time”

These are all pseudo-optimistic sayings that have been told to me following crushing defeats in my sports loving career. Unfortunately I subscribe to a different doctrine, anger and pessimism. I want to see blood. I want to see guts. I want to see Bobby Knight with Satan himself as assistant coach. Game’s like this always make me want to visit my coach’s gun idea. Here’s a quick breakdown:

1. In any major professional sport the head coach will be provided a revolver with ONE bullet. 

2. The coach’s gun may be used only on the coach’s OWN players.

3. The gun does not have to be used.

4. The gun may only be used to harm, as it is a coaching tool NOT a weapon.

5. The coach may choose to use the gun on himself (This would’ve been handy in the Dunleavy years).

6. The gun cannot be used on referees or fans.

7. The gun may only be used as a teaching tool not a preventative measure like shooting Shaq so he has to be replaced to make game winning free throws.

Last night was a coach’s gun sort of game. The game seemed out of control from the opening tip with the Clippers hanging on to their lead with a bizarre mixture of 3 point accuracy and cold shooting from the t-wolves. The game was billed as a Blake vs. Love match up (because CP3 was still out and couldn’t go against Rubio), but both players were largely underwhelming throughout the game (save for the finish). Blake has seemed to have a confidence problem for the last week seeming hesitant to take the ball to the hoop and instead just settling for 19 foot jump shots (he’s made ONE that I’ve witnessed this week). Clip’s Coach VDN must have told the guys to stay in front of Rubio and collapse on Love because the much maligned Darko scored like 75 points last night and looked like the second coming of Tom Chambers on Bulls vs. Lakers for the Nintendo. 

The game truly went sour when Mo Williams was ejected for his second silly technical foul. Both techs were Mo’s fault and he has earned a possible coach’s bullet for his actions, however, when he left the game completely fell apart. All the silly mistakes, turnovers, quick shots, and stupid 3s caught up to the Clippers. With 4 minutes to go in the game, the defense completely broke down and Chauncey Billups just started firing up random contested jump shots with no rhyme nor reason. I’m sure Billups looked around at Gomes, Foye, Solomon Jones, Reggie Evans, and DJ and said looks like I’m going to have to shoot EVERY time. At this point VDN needed to either try coaching or turn the coach’s bullet on himself and allow someone else (CP3?) to figure this mess out. 

The game ended as most Clipper games of the last 30 years have…in a crushing, soul-shattering loss. Ricky Rubio, Mr. I-haven’t-made-a-shot-all-fucking-night, nailed a 3 point goal from the corner with 20 seconds to go. Naturally the Clippers went with the old fashioned, Billups takes the ball wanders over to a lackluster screen and then drives to the hoop and blows what appeared to be a very makeable shot (for high school kids). Nicely, 1.5 seconds were left on the clock. Minnesota calls time out to advance the ball. The clippers all contracted  Cerebral Palsey and the rest was history.

Good news! I have acquired press passes for Sunday’s game against the Raptor’s, so I will have a full eyewitness report from the worst seats in section 331. Stay angry Los Angeles.

At 7:30 pacific time, the Minnesota T-wolves will tip off against my beloved Clippers in a match up that appears to evoke feelings of the Clippers’ past. Young PG Ricky Rubio has been pared with rebounding savant Kevin Love to make one of the brightest young duos in the league. The Clippers have seen this all before when a young Shaun Livingston was pared with Elton Brand to create optimism for the LA future. Shaun’s knee cap left town and soon after, so did Elton Brand. In today’s NBA teams are not really rewarded for building through the draft. Most teams need to get lucky in the draft and then sign those big name free agents. This is the first year in the history of the Clippers that they have landed some of those big fish. 

Minnesota is a young and pretty talented team that is not nearly as bad as their recent history would suggest. The Clippers need to hold serve at home with their next two games against these Timberwolves and the Raptors on Sunday. The Clippers have made a habit of playing well at home, but coming off those big games against Dallas, the Heat, and the Lakers, I certainly hope we don’t see any lapses in effort or concentration like we did in Utah. 

The T-wolves have won 3 of their last 4 including a nail-biting loss at the Hawks. The Clips on the other hand have won 4 of 5 and need to take care of business before the road schedule bites them hard in February. Look for Vinny Del Negro to play the starters for big minutes in the first half leaning heavily on Chauncey Billups and Mo Williams. DeAndre Jordan and Blake Griffin will have their hands full trying to control the glass with Kevin Love setting up shop down low. This should make for a fast, physical, turnover-fest, that the Clips should have under control by the start of the 4th quarter. Make some 3s, don’t let Love dominate, and don’t get caught up in all the slop, and we should take another home W into Staples Center for Sunday at noon.

 5 seconds to go, Mavs down by two, Jason Terry gets wide open following a pick and roll…SWISH. Same old Clippers. The collective heart of Clipper Nation was broken…again. There have been many Jason Terry’s over the years who find the Karmic shooting touch just in time to drill a stake through the heart of the Clippers faithful. Just as I sat in front of my television in the inevitable disbelief, Ralph Lawler began pleading with me to fasten my seatbelt. “Fasten my seatbelt?!?” This is the Clippers! They don’t win games like this; they only exist to make me feel bad and get mocked by my Laker fan friends! Then I thought for a quick moment, “This year is different, we have good players, good chemistry, a GOOD TEAM; we can DO this.”

Following the time out, Billups has the ball and attempts to inbound the ball to Mo Williams…he fumbles it out of bounds. Same old Clippers. I scream at the top of my lungs in my cramped bedroom. Everyone in the apartment building probably heard me, but I’m sure no one could’ve believed the painful scream came from that of a Clipper fan. This year wasn’t different. The only difference was that my pain was on national TV for the whole world to become witnesses to my destruction. 

After a long discussion and replay review the referees declare…Clipper ball! 

4 seconds to play. Chauncey inbounds to Blake Griffin. Blake dished the ball back to Chaucey and sets a brick wall of a pick on Jason Kidd. Chauncey is wide open, but this is the Clippers. He rises and lets the ball go. The net barely moves. My paralysis in front of my television is only broken by the jubilant celebration erupting in Staples Center. It went in? Yup, it went IN! This is a NEW Clippers team. This is a NEW year. The defending NBA champions came into Staples Center and LOST to the not-so-lowly Clippers.  Yeah there were 3 and 7/8ths other quarters of  basketball but that was all that mattered. Last night Chauncey made the shot that changed everything. Last night was the night that the Clippers washed the smell of shit from their jerseys. But all that can change if they lose to Minnesota on Friday.

All info redacted by SOPA and PIPA.

Chris Paul and Mo Williams redacted by injury.

Win redacted by Utah Jazz.

The Clips tipped off early on MLK to get a head start on their 3 wins in 3 days schedule this week. Blake Griffin and Company jumped all over Mr. Kardashian’s mates stretching their lead to 15 points by the end of the 1^st quarter. Kris Humphries actually put up a respectable line (14pts, 7rbs), but shouldn’t he be too embarrassed to show his face in L.A? C’mon Kris, everyone knows the number one rule of marriage is, “Don’t ever marry someone who has done porn/sex tape for profit”. Rules numbers two and three should be, “don’t marry reality television personalities” and “don’t marry Armenian rich chicks”; but I doubt a Minnesota monkey (not racist, he actually does look like a primate) like Kris even knows that he got played.

Speaking of getting played, the Nets shot only 42 percent on the afternoon and managed to make Randy Foye look like a viable NBA starter. With Chris Paul out, Randy Foye had to handle the point and did so brilliantly by putting up a 13 and 10 day right in the face of big money contract Deron Williams. Mr. Williams may be the first non-mormon on earth to actually miss Utah.

Going forward the Clips are going to have to play back to backs at Utah and then back home for Dallas on national television. Tonight’s Utah game should be an early test for a new team learning how to play with each other on the road. The addition of injuries to CP3 and Mo Williams the Clippers are going to eventually get some production from their bench; namely Ryan Gomes and Reggie Evans. The Clippers shit the bed in Portland earlier this month (it’s okay, everyone does it), but for the Clippers to become a confident and dangerous playoff team they’re going to need to learn to win road games especially with the adversity of injuries.

Final note: Blake Griffin makes me question my atheism. (23pts, 14 boards) 

Tonight was to be billed as a statement game; statement made. The Clippers defeated the Lakers for the 3rd consecutive time this season (twice in preseason play, which yes, counts for nothing), officially throwing the gauntlet down and claiming their place as an actual basketball team in the city of Los Angeles. The Clippers manned up and took it to the Lakers from the opening tip, not content to wear the aww shucks badge after defeating Miami earlier this week. The Lakers appear to be a mishmash of slow role players and assorted white people (not you World Peace). To his credit, Kobe is fighting furiously against the dying of the light, however you shouldn’t have to depend on a 33 year old shooting guard to score 40 every night just to avoid getting blown out. 

On the Clipper front, CP3 was as advertised. Paul proved he was the best point guard in the NBA tonight (fuck you Derrick Rose) and could possibly be the difference in the Lakers season. I typically wouldn’t write so heavily about the Lakers, but David Stern’s interference in the Chris Paul to the Lakers trade may have possibly changed the fates of two franchises. No stranger to hyperbole, I will go ahead and say that after one worthless regular season game I’m inclined to believe the Clips are better suited for the playoffs and that Kobe is going to be put down like a thoroughbred by March. The Lakers appear to be a ship without a rudder right now and it seems very unlikely that they find a point guard now that the season has started. For my Laker fans out there, I would implore the front office to make the Dwight Howard deal immediately at any cost. However, I am a Clipper fan, so I say “ride it out, and lose in the 2nd round”, couldn’t happen to better guys.

So for the Lakers fans, here’s Sam Cassell with a testicle dance.